Being Jake
Written by Gerard on Thursday 19 March 2009
Jake, you are one of the most precious people in my world. Your chatter and your passion for drawing and your sheer energy stop me in my tracks at least five times each day. You know this, you often catch me gazing fondly at you as you play.
At the moment though, you're having a tough time, and it all stems from your shyness. For some reason, particularly with adults that you don't know well, you freeze up. You totally withdraw into yourself and refuse to interact, take instruction or even acknowledge the presence of those adults.
Typically, they're the people who're trying to help you out in some way: a football coach, your swimming instructor, even your teacher on occassions.
To make matters worse, you just won't talk about why you're so shy. When your mum and I try to talk about it, you become sullen and grumpy, returning to your usual self after we give up and leave you alone. We don't know what to do about the shyness. That's not the first or last time you'll hear us saying we (as parents) didn't have the answer. For instance, your sister swims confidently and because the teacher can assess her ability, she'll soon move on to a more advanced group.
You are a physical specimen: wiry, agile and strong. You could easily match your sister, despite being a couple of years younger. If you applied yourself and showed your teacher how well you could swim, you'd be moved along too. The same goes for showing your teacher how well you can read. At home, your delight in sounding out words is obvious. But you refuse to read for your teacher.
On one hand, we don't know what to do. Do we continue to take you along to football, swimming and other classes and grimace as you stand frozen in the midst of your peers, or do we admit defeat and withdraw you from these classes altogether? Is it better to keep putting you in these situations until you get used to them? Or should we take our cues from your awkwardness and embarrassment?
I don't know. We don't know. But we keep trying. We love you so much and know how much ability and energy you have at home. We just wish you could show some of that energy to the other adults in your life.
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Comments
I'm sure he'll get there in
I'm sure he'll get there in the end. My daughter used to be terribly side and being out in public was often very difficult. She would refuse to speak to any adult and I'd feel quite embarrassed and uncomfortable. She's 5 now and after a few months at school she gre in confidence and everything seemed to slot into place. Now it's much better.
Jakey
Poor wee sod.
I think it's great that you two have realised that you're not going to have the answer for everything, but I also feel empathy that you feel helpless while watching your son deal with something you see as debilitating.
I can't answer for Jake, but I can answer as if my parents has posed the same statement to me as a child, because, I really was that child, Gerard. I completely froze up around adults. I would never say a word to them, and go quiet when spoken too. I've lost count of the times a woman would say to my mother "He's SO quiet", as I stood, guess what, quietly, beside her.
I thought most adults were rough and mean, which was really them just dealing with multiple kids at one time, most of them screaming for attention. I wasn't a great swimmer, for example, because I lacked the innate confidence that the other little shits did. Some kids threw themselves into something and learned later they were shite. I did it quietly and slowly learned I was good (never at swimming, though).
In short, if my parents expressed the same worries, I'd say "Try not to worry Mum and Dad, I'll figure it out. Being innately confident around everyone isn't one of my gifts. I'm shy, but eventually that shyness will turn into a sensitivity that will stand me in good stead as I try to navigate relationships and the world. People will remark that I am genuine and that I make people feel good about themselves and that I always try my best to never hurt anyone. I'll be able to reach people through being creative, because I’ve taken the time to quietly know them. Yes, I’ll struggle with shyness, because in the end, we all need to deal with large groups, and to get over our fear of failure, but I know you always be there to help me through that"
I can't say Jake is exactly like that, but it's true of everyone that behind every personal short-coming is the opportunity for something to shine.
Anyway, I'm sorry you have to watch it, man, but he's probably stronger than you think.
Thanks, man
I try not to feel his pain for him - that's kind of a counter-productive from where I stand. From my point of view, the worst thing is not being able to do anything for him.
That's what the teachers keep saying - you're doing everything you can for him. Therefore the only thing we can do is sit by and support him until he 'works it out' for himself!
I had no idea you were a shy kid. Well, you made up for it in later years! I was the same, although I'd always survey my surroundings first to get a 'feel' for the environment, then edge my way in.